Si le Dieu veut. ان شا الله

On another note, I noticed that some of my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ have gotten lazy about their relationships with God (I’m guilty of it too). 

Worse, some are straying from God. 

What happened? 

I sometimes wonder how people could have had faith and then turn away from it. 

Some say they probably didn’t have faith to begin with.

I don’t really believe that. 

So why? 

I’m constantly busy. My list of things to do never seems to stop.

Don’t get me wrong; I love being busy. But I have a huge problem— I use that as an excuse to run away from spending time with God. 

I realize over and over again that I will NEVER stop being busy. I will NEVER have time for anything unless I consciously make time for it. 

So I’m at a fork— go to Prayer Meeting tomorrow or prepare for my interview on Tuesday/ do homework for Tues &Wed.

My instinct tells me to prepare for my interview because I really need this internship. But my heart tells me, do I really need this internship or do I desperately need a time of prayer. I’m scared to spend time away from interview prep. But while I prepare hours for my interview, I have not spent even an hour with God. 

I need to get my priorities straight once again. I need to tell myself and KNOW that God comes first, before everything else. 

Reflecting back on a journal entry

I’m reading my old blog/diary entries to get some inspiration for my internship essay and I found this one from last year. 

This one tugs at my heart because it is somewhat related to JD’s sermon series.

I realized that I’ve become complacent once again. I have stopped yearning for love to share with wandering friends and for knowledge to respond to nonbelievers. 

 I stopped caring whether my friends are walking the walk. I’m afraid of confronting people about their spiritual life (because my own is lacking). I fear others’ judgment so I stopped trying to bring up Jesus in my conversations. I remain silent as nonbelievers around me scorn Christians and their unpopular beliefs (i.e. pro-life).

I’ve become a silent Christian. Meek and afraid. 

What do I desire more than God? It seems like a lot of things. 

I want to have that heart again. Heart full of love for others and full of concern for the lost. 

——-

When they asked for ppl to raise hands if they wanted to be baptized in the holy spirit, I was extremely reluctant— partially b/c everyone would look at me and partially b/c I was a bit skeptical. But my heart started to quicken and just when I got distracted, my right arm raised itself instinctively. I almost pulled it down but I realized that perhaps that’s what God wanted and what my heart wanted. People started to pray over me in tongue and God granted me the gift he had taken away my freshman year. It’s funny b/c even until last week, I did not desire the spiritual gift because I remember how proud I became in high school. I remembered how I may have started to focus more on the act itself than on God. So I became skeptical and I no longer wanted the gift b/c I was afraid that I may misuse it. But during the seminar, I felt a strong desire deep within and prayed for his blessings in earnest. I wanted it.

Later, one girl told me that as she was praying for me, she saw that God was pleased with me. Honestly, I didn’t mean to cry at all (hence why I put on tad too much mascara) but tears flowed and I felt this wall crumbling. I felt freed. Moreover, what this girl said made me realize something important— an answer to a question I had been seeking for a long time.

During last year’s response, PSusy and Christine told me that they felt like I lost something valuable and that there was this wall… I didn’t believe them because I didn’t know what they were talking about. But now I realize that what it was was my belief that God was not pleased with me and that He would never be pleased with me. I convinced myself of this by replaying all of my sins in my head— constantly. And as this self-loathing? grew, so grew my skepticism in His power…so grew my doubts about spiritual gifts and about his ability to do anything about my wandering friends.

It erased some of my skepticism as I once again remembered that I did NOT control my tongue to produce some random noise, that I did not fabricate my tears, and my whole being was trying to reject it if it was produced of my own power and not from God. But, once again, I wondered if this gift would last or if in fact, I had truly received it.

As I sat back down, I opened my bible and saw the bookmark a Mongolian friend had given me during the Mongolia/China/Korea mission trip back in 2008. On both sides, it had two different bible verses in Mongolian. But I recognized the last words— Mark 11:24. I felt a pull towards that verse— not so much towards the other one. So I flipped through my bible and started reading…

Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.

And just few minutes later, James our speaker announced, “let’s look at Mark 11:22-24” WAHH??!! hahahhahaha!!!! Our God is a funny God.

v22-23 “Have faith in God,” Jesus answered. I tell you the truth, if anyone says to this mountain, ‘Go, throw yourself into the sea,’ and does not doubt in his heart but believes that what he says will happen, it will be done for him.

But fear rose once again and started to pile new bricks to rebuild the wall. “What if I go back to my apartment, and this desire, love, and gift disappear? What am I supposed to do once I leave this place full of God’s people and re-enter the world?”

Few seconds later, God again answered me through our speaker. He basically said that it doesn’t matter whether you are in your apartment or in your dorm or whatever. God is deep inside you and He goes where you go.

0.0.

You know that line “chains be broken- lives be healed” from the song “You’ll come”? I feel like my chains were broken during response. But tonight, I knocked on the wall that separated me from God and God completely crushed it. The seemingly immovable structure I had carefully built during my 4 years at Duke collapsed just like that. God healed my heart from the false conviction and doubt that held me captive for a long time.

I originally planned on going to the Duke- NC State game but there’s two more spiritual gifts seminars tomorrow. I decided to go to the third seminar after being convicted to bring my roommate and Esther to it. Both of them promised to come (that in itself is already a miracle and a praise!)

I’m so excited for God to do amazing things in their lives!  He truly never let’s us go.

It’s funny how our testimony does not end with salvation. It continues with our spiritual walk, with our whole life.

You know what else is funny? God keeps convicting me of two things: 1) I need to be filled with his love once again to share with other ppl

2) I need to study the foundations of my belief once again so that even if a unbeliever should ask, I have some answers.I realized this during my Religion and culture in Korea class after we walked a debate between a Christian and an atheist. With God’s grace, I want to be able to defend my God in a convicted and convincing manner.

One last thing about the seminar. It’s kinda funny. I gave three dollars to Mike’s roommate to get this book about christianity. And then Reggie, one of the speakers look as us quizzically and told us that in the beginning of the seminar, he saw someone holding three dollars who is in a financial pinch and that God would pour financial blessings upon that person. I didn’t think it was me. I mean… I’m fine I think. I’m working three jobs. Yea, I’m tired and it’s a bit overwhelming but surely not i? perhaps he meant my arabic grading job that I already got? Or perhaps he’s talking about my parents? Perhaps a situation will arise? We’ll see.

I’m not sure, but I guess we’ll find out as God unfolds his sovereign plane.

——

btw, the financial blessing that the speaker mentioned? it turned out to be a SAT hakwon job I got in Korea.

marriage?

It makes me feel really weird, old, out of place to find so many friends get engaged/married.

Why do I sense that I’ll feel this way for the next few years? 

Things to do during winter Break

1. Read Hunger Games
2. Read The World is Bigger now by Euna Lee
3. Re-read 아프니까 청춘이다 -김난도
4. Read books by Alain de Botton
5. Read La pitie de Dieu
6. Watch New Year’s Eve
7. Watch Something Borrowed
8. Watch Happy Feet 2
9. Summer Job Applications/cover letters
10. Cook french dishes from my french cookbook
11. Review Arabic/ French
12. Practice Cello
13. Bake the most epic baguette ever

So many things to do! Maybe this is way too ambitious :s